How to breed healthy flies

How to breed healthy flies

How to breed healthy flies, By Robert (Bob) Plumb

One common problem of living in the country is flies.  As you know, flies carry disease.  Since most of us do not want very much disease, we usually do not want a bunch of diseased flies around because they could be the source of the disease.

Having healthy flies, then, will solve this fly problem.  Since you have observed for years that getting rid of your flies is nigh unto impossible as long as you have animals around, keeping your numerous flies healthy is a big deal, and, fortunately for you, it is not complicated.

As soon as you spot a sick fly, possibly by observing that he is flying erratically, simply cull him out of your healthy fly herd so you can treat him.  You can best do this by setting out a piece of rancid dead animal you keep around for this purpose.  Pretty soon all the flies in the room or barn will be on that animal, including the sick one.  Then, all you have to do is slam a cup down over the sick fly.  He will likely be slower than the other flies because he is feeling lousy, so this should be pretty easy.

I know what you are thinking, “so what do I do with a sick fly?”  Considering the vet may not be qualified to treat a sick fly, and I can only speculate on what the local vet, Alvin Fronk would do, you are left to do the best you can…kind of like the time you treated that sick hamster and muskrat.

I suggest you make up a poultice out of Pepto Bismol just in case he has a sick stomach; add some hydrogen peroxide in case he has an infection, and Robitussin in case he has a cough.  We figure that should cover most of your bases.

Pour a little bit of each of these medicines onto a folded up dish towel.  Carefully lift up the side of the cup, then bring the dish towel covered with medication down quickly onto the fly, using care to make sure that a little bit of each kind of medicine touches him.

Using this technique, one of two things will happen:  either the fly will get better from the medication or he will not survive the trauma of being smashed under the weight of a medicated dish cloth.  Either way, he will no longer be sick.  And you will be glad to know that he is no longer spreading disease.  That’s a win-win for you.





Breaking News

Breaking news

Breaking news!

Woman dies in self checkout, By Lois Lein

A Sleepy River woman died in the self-checkout line at the Mayberry Market from an apparent stroke. Dee Kaye, who many of us knew as Dee Kaye, Dee Dee Kaye, or just Dee, passed away last Friday right there in the grocery store.

Sheriff Deputy, Orrin Bernheisel, naturally refused comment because the case was still open; however, he did say, off the record that evidence suggests the stroke occurred as a result of pressure on her brain, which was about to explode from the stress of trying to figure out the automated checkout machine and from the subsequent worry about how to pay for her groceries.

Officers also discovered what was originally thought to be a suicide note pinned to her shirt, which many people viewed as a cry for help.  The note read in part:  ”See, I told you I couldn’t do this by myself.”

According to witnesses at the scene, the woman had been loitering with a half-full shopping basket near the self checkout section for a few days and was reported to have mumbled phrases like, “All I wanted was some broccoli and a few C-batteries,” and “why can’t we ever talk to actual non-mechanical human checkout people any more?  I would even get in grumpy old Wally McKlosky’s checkout line.”

A spokesperson for the grocery store, Lois Brickmore, read a statement that said, in part, “We and our computers mourn the unfortunate death of one of our good, paying customers; and since there could be others with similar health problems out there, we are advising any customers who are diagnosed type A techno-tards, or who are over fifty, to avoid self checkout lines pending further investigation.”



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How to tell if you are geezing!

How to tell if you are geezing!

Are you a confirmed geezer? By Ben Goode

Discovering for the first time that you are beginning to geeze can be a real trauma.  Since many of our readers have begun to wonder if they may be geezing, we offer the following clues.


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