First ever girl to start for Muskrat football team, By Justin Case
After another 0 and 11 season last year, the fighting muskrats are chomping at the bit to get started with football practice. The 2016 team is determined to prove that the last twelve consecutive sub-par seasons were flukes, the Pharoah’s curse, or just one of those decades, and not that there is something in the water as has sometimes been rumored since some people had nightcrawlers come out of their taps during the second year of Lord Mayor Bernheisel’s tenure.
Assistant coach, Robb Urrey said that team spirits have been high in off-season weight training with many of the players coming in some of the time, and even more attending less frequently.
“Even though we will be a little small, we should be able to make up for our lack of size by focusing on our lack of speed.” Added coach Melvin Lombardi. “Put another way, even though we will be small, we will still be pretty slow.”
A big part of the news of the team for the year is the historic participation of Marcie Platts, the first girl to ever play varsity football for the fighting muskrats. According to Coach Lombardi, “She is 5’8” and weighs 225 pounds, and will give some much needed help as outside linebacker. And hopefully, she will also add a feminine touch to the locker room.”
When asked about how it feels having a girl on the team, Team captain, Jim Tworp declined to comment. He explained, “I’m still processing the idea of gender neutral restrooms.”
August 22, 2016
August 21, 2016
Good uses for bad music, By Bob Plumb
Most of us choose music for our own enjoyment. But you may not be aware that music has other practical uses, too. Many of my friends have discovered that music can also be an effective tool to irritate the people who annoy them.
August 20, 2016
Help! I’m talking and I can’t shut up! By Robert (Bob) Plumb
Monday morning during assignment meeting, reporter, Sue Problemo, began talking non-stop. All day she carried on and then after that she talked for another 48 hours taking barely taking a breath. Sue has been diagnosed with chronic motor mouth, a debilitating condition that inhibits a person’s ability to shut up. It has sometimes erroneously called diarrhea of the mouth, and is frequently confused with another talking condition known as what-was-she-thinking?, where the patient begins talking before the brain is completely engaged. Tragically, Sue Problemo suffers from both of these conditions.
This past week, after three days of uninterrupted talking, at 8:00 P.M. on Thursday, Dr. Ben Goode, with the help of other bystanders, was able to stop the hemorrhaging by successful inserting a shoe into her mouth.
Sadly, by that time, a great deal of damage was already done. “It may take years to clean up the wreckage from an attack like this,” lamented Dr. Goode.
“I’m not sure the damage can ever be undone,” added a morose Mildred Flummox.
Lois Lein, Stu Carne, Don Key, Teri Dactyl, Mae B. Knott, and many others were told exactly what Sue thinks about them. John Dace, Jerry Atrix, Tom Morrow, Sally Ladd, Ann Emic, and many others had all their flaws exposed and then described in graphic detail. And Sal Leery, Ann Emic, Red Undant, and Beau Gurr were exposed to vicious, vitriolic, unprotected gossip for over thirty-six hours. According to medical personnel at the scene, it could be many weeks before the shoe can safely be removed from her mouth.
Friends and family are invited to a vigil all day Friday. In lieu of flowers, the family has asked that you send money.
August 19, 2016
August 18, 2016